There is a gospel song, “I Won’t Complain”. So I hope this post doesn’t come across as complaining. I have a GREAT LIFE. I’m so blessed. I’m married to a wonderful man whom I adore. We have a beautiful and healthy five month old daughter and a rambunctious Shih Tzu. All things considering, we are living the good life. Despite this line being a little trite, “the best is yet to come for TeamSpraggins”.
With that said, I do struggle with self-doubt. I want to be a SuperWoman/Wife/Mother/Daughter, but today I feel as if I’m failing miserably on all fronts and here is why:
As a working mother, I often find myself feeling guilty for not spending enough time with our daughter. I worry about my daughter not attaching and bonding with me since we adopted her. Like all mothers, I want to be perfect. I want her to know how much she is loved and cared for. To compensate, I attempt to be a super mom. I rush from work to home so I can spend time with her. Once home, I do most of the heavy lifting, from feeding, playing, bathing, reading and getting her to fall asleep. I also do all the night-time feedings and comforting. By the time morning comes, I’m so tired. I don’t feel productive or competitive at my corporate position. On top of all that, I try to keep up with community and other family commitments.
Then, there is my husband. Before our daughter, I took pride in being a super wife. I cooked dinner, made lunches, ironed his clothes, and was acutely attentive. People would say all that attention you are giving your husband is going to change once you have a baby. I scoffed at the idea and promised myself I would prove everyone wrong. Well, five months in as a new mom, I feel like a EPIC failure.
As a woman, I’ve gained weight. I hate walking by a mirror. To save time and money, I’ve virtually stopped all of my personal treats; shopping, regular salon hair and nail salon visits. When I do indulge I feel guilty for spending the money and time away from home I have a gym membership I don’t use because of my fears of being away too long.
As a daughter, I worry about my parents; especially my mother. She is still grappling with my grandmother’s death and she is embroiled in a nasty work situation. I want to be there for her. I wish I had the right or comforting words to share. I want her to feel connected to my daughter (her only grandchild). I worry that I’m not being a good daughter.
On top of all of this, my husband and I are in throws of finalizing the adoption. Let me tell you, this process has been a bitch. Excuse the profanity, but there is no other word to describe it. I constantly find myself worrying about this or that form or next fee we will have to pay. We are in a constant state of hurry up and wait.
The questions I asked myself daily, I’m cut out to be the SuperWoman/Wife/Mother/Daughter, I so desperately want to be. Can I keep up at this pace. When I will drop a ball? What’s the next shoe or problem to drop?
While I don’t know any of these answers, I try to remind myself to “be here now” and to breathe. Some days I’m better at it than others. I guess today is one of the days when I feel as I’m missing the mark. There is always tomorrow.