My first Mother’s Day

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My very first Mother’s Day is now in the history books. It is still hard to believe I’m a mother to such a beautiful and precious baby. I prayed for her so long that sometimes it is overwhelming to know God actually granted my prayer. She lights up my world. She is at the center of everything I do. I’m so blessed. She and Anthony are more than I deserve.

Leading up to mother’s day, I daydreamed of the different gifts I would receive or what Anthony would do to make the day special. Once Mother’s Day arrived, we were jammed packed with activities; from worship service, then brunch with his parents, followed by a visit with family, trek to the grocery store before heading home to prepare for Monday. At the end of the day, I realized all I really wanted was a day of rest and relaxation.

So, I’m asking forgiveness now of my mom and pastor. I won’t be travelling to Mississippi, brunching with in-laws or going to church. You will find me on a beach hopefully or on my couch. Anthony, a nice gift, card and taking care of Mary-Isabella for the day will suffice.

Mother’s Day = Me Day. I say that now. We’ll see.

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New Mom at 40

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I’m a first-time mom at the age of 40. Yes, I said it. I’m the BIG 4-0. Let me tell you 40 doesn’t feel like the new 30 or 20 anything. Although, a great number of women are waiting to start families, it seems society and media haven’t gotten the message as we are continually indundated with images of these 20-something thin beautiul; often blond and blue-eyed mothers.

There is nothing wrong with these images. I simply don’t connect with many of them. I’m a African American, curvy, professional and happily married woman who also happens to be a new mom. Do I represent too small of a niche? Surely, there are more women like me. Where are the resources that speak to who I am and where I am in my life?

Don’t get me wrong, there are a lot of issues that all new moms share regardless of age or station in life. However, there are some issues that are unique to older mothers. I worry about a lot of things; albeit, some are more serious than others. For instance, I worry someone might mistake me for her grandmother at a future PTA meeting. Will my husband and I be around to see our grandchildren? Will we be a burden on our children? How can we plan to retire and pay for college at the same time. With aging parents, how long will be they be around for our daughter? Do we have time to expand our family?

I guess I said all of this to say, it woud be nice to see blogs, resources or websites that have more of a diverse voice and a broader point of view. Please let me know if you know if these types of blogs, websites or communities exist.

Fears of NOT being a SuperAnything

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There is a gospel song, “I Won’t Complain”.   So I hope this post doesn’t come across as complaining. I have a GREAT LIFE. I’m so blessed. I’m married to a wonderful man whom I adore. We have a beautiful and healthy five month old daughter and a rambunctious Shih Tzu.  All things considering, we are living the good life. Despite this line being a little trite, “the best is yet to come for TeamSpraggins”.

With that said, I do struggle with self-doubt.  I want to be a SuperWoman/Wife/Mother/Daughter, but today I feel as if I’m failing miserably on all fronts and here is why:

As a working mother, I often find myself feeling guilty for not spending enough time with our daughter. I worry about my daughter not attaching and bonding with me since we adopted her. Like all mothers, I want to be perfect. I want her to know how much she is loved and cared for.  To compensate, I attempt to be a super mom. I rush from work to home so I can spend time with her. Once home, I do most of the heavy lifting, from feeding, playing, bathing, reading and getting her to fall asleep. I also do all the night-time feedings and comforting. By the time morning comes, I’m so tired. I don’t feel productive or competitive at my corporate position. On top of all that, I try to keep up with community and other family commitments.

Then, there is my husband. Before our daughter, I took pride in being a super wife. I cooked dinner, made lunches, ironed his clothes, and was acutely attentive.  People would say all that attention you are giving your husband is going to change once you have a baby. I scoffed at the idea and promised myself I would prove everyone wrong. Well, five months in as a new mom, I feel like a EPIC failure.

As a woman, I’ve gained weight. I hate walking by a mirror. To save time and money, I’ve virtually stopped all of my personal treats; shopping, regular salon hair and nail salon visits. When I do indulge I feel guilty for spending the money and time away from home I have a gym membership I don’t use because of my fears of being away too long. 

As a daughter, I worry about my parents; especially my mother.  She is still grappling with my grandmother’s death and she is embroiled in a nasty work situation. I want to be there for her. I wish I had the right or comforting words to share. I want her to feel connected to my daughter (her only grandchild). I worry that I’m not being a good daughter.

On top of all of this, my husband and I are in throws of finalizing the adoption. Let me tell you, this process has been a bitch. Excuse the profanity, but there is no other word to describe it. I constantly find myself worrying about this or that form or next fee we will have to pay. We are in a constant state of hurry up and wait.

The questions I asked myself daily, I’m cut out to be the SuperWoman/Wife/Mother/Daughter, I so desperately want to be.  Can I keep up at this pace. When I will drop a ball? What’s the next shoe or problem to drop?

While I don’t know any of these answers, I try to remind myself to “be here now” and to breathe.  Some days I’m better at it than others.  I guess today is one of the days when I feel as I’m missing the mark. There is always tomorrow.