Fears of NOT being a SuperAnything

commission__earth11_superwoman_by_johnbecaro-d4d4qez

There is a gospel song, “I Won’t Complain”.   So I hope this post doesn’t come across as complaining. I have a GREAT LIFE. I’m so blessed. I’m married to a wonderful man whom I adore. We have a beautiful and healthy five month old daughter and a rambunctious Shih Tzu.  All things considering, we are living the good life. Despite this line being a little trite, “the best is yet to come for TeamSpraggins”.

With that said, I do struggle with self-doubt.  I want to be a SuperWoman/Wife/Mother/Daughter, but today I feel as if I’m failing miserably on all fronts and here is why:

As a working mother, I often find myself feeling guilty for not spending enough time with our daughter. I worry about my daughter not attaching and bonding with me since we adopted her. Like all mothers, I want to be perfect. I want her to know how much she is loved and cared for.  To compensate, I attempt to be a super mom. I rush from work to home so I can spend time with her. Once home, I do most of the heavy lifting, from feeding, playing, bathing, reading and getting her to fall asleep. I also do all the night-time feedings and comforting. By the time morning comes, I’m so tired. I don’t feel productive or competitive at my corporate position. On top of all that, I try to keep up with community and other family commitments.

Then, there is my husband. Before our daughter, I took pride in being a super wife. I cooked dinner, made lunches, ironed his clothes, and was acutely attentive.  People would say all that attention you are giving your husband is going to change once you have a baby. I scoffed at the idea and promised myself I would prove everyone wrong. Well, five months in as a new mom, I feel like a EPIC failure.

As a woman, I’ve gained weight. I hate walking by a mirror. To save time and money, I’ve virtually stopped all of my personal treats; shopping, regular salon hair and nail salon visits. When I do indulge I feel guilty for spending the money and time away from home I have a gym membership I don’t use because of my fears of being away too long. 

As a daughter, I worry about my parents; especially my mother.  She is still grappling with my grandmother’s death and she is embroiled in a nasty work situation. I want to be there for her. I wish I had the right or comforting words to share. I want her to feel connected to my daughter (her only grandchild). I worry that I’m not being a good daughter.

On top of all of this, my husband and I are in throws of finalizing the adoption. Let me tell you, this process has been a bitch. Excuse the profanity, but there is no other word to describe it. I constantly find myself worrying about this or that form or next fee we will have to pay. We are in a constant state of hurry up and wait.

The questions I asked myself daily, I’m cut out to be the SuperWoman/Wife/Mother/Daughter, I so desperately want to be.  Can I keep up at this pace. When I will drop a ball? What’s the next shoe or problem to drop?

While I don’t know any of these answers, I try to remind myself to “be here now” and to breathe.  Some days I’m better at it than others.  I guess today is one of the days when I feel as I’m missing the mark. There is always tomorrow.

 

 

 

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2 thoughts on “Fears of NOT being a SuperAnything

  1. Stop. You are wonderful. Your loving husband loves you. Your beautiful baby loves you. You are being loved and appreciated right now! Truth is, nobody has it figured out. Even those who appears that they do. This is a new life for you. It will take time. Dont beat yourself up. You’re great.

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